I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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