I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
