he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
