Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Welp...herpes.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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