I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize