so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
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