im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
