I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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