bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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