Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize
