Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
