I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She swung at the pinata with crutches
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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