that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
