Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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