people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
