I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
