Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
