1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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