finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
