gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Is it because I queefed?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
When did angry sex become our thing?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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