I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
