I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
