If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
