I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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