if i can run in heels then i can drive
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
