I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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