no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
