My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
