It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Can Purell be used as lube?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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