i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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