i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
