I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
