I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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