either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
