Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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