u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Randomize
