Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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