When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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