I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
