Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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