Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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