It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I think i got beer on your cat.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
