I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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