I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
