Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
