K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
only you would photoshop your dick
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
