If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Randomize
