im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize