Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
