Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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