Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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