shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
