capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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