mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize