I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
