It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize