Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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