im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
