I met the friendliest cop last night
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
