She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
