I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
