Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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