She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
